Two days ago I posted an open letter to Andy Savage and HighPoint Church. As responses and feedback have returned to me I realize that part of the challenge facing the church is a lack of understanding about sexual abuse.
When I was a kid we were warned in school about "stranger danger". Stranger Danger was the unknown creeper who would grab us, or lure us away from home and offer us drugs or worse. We were all taught to be on the watch for him and to run away if we saw him.
Well, the problem is that based on statists stranger danger isn't who sexually abuses. No one spoke about the real danger, that an abuser is most often someone you know and frequently is in a position of trust in your life, a family member, teacher, friend, or church staff person.
Now it gets more uncomfortable, because abusers are not mostly creepy people you can easily identify and label. Abusers are oftentimes well loved and highly regarded. They have changed peoples lives, they've written important books, they've been the "loving" presence in someone's life.
Dan Allender writes, "The abuser grooms the child by watching to see what the child needs that is so often missing in their primary caregiver's nurturance. The abuser reads the heart and life of the child and positions himself or herself as a trusting presence that offers what the others fail to provide."
For the sake of this blog I invite you to consider how this so easily happens in the church, inside of a youth or children's ministry. And our discomfort grows as have to hold that oftentimes parents are grateful for this helping person, coming alongside their child. And, the child loves this person and wants to spend more and more time with them. And this has a spiritual component in that the abuser may be teaching and leading the child, or teen, in a growing relationship with God.
Now we are acutely uncomfortable because this feels like a mess.
So, when the 17 year old girl comes to tell her story she is talking about a beloved person, who has both abused her and cared for her. Her words are laced with ambivalence as she searches to find the right way to describe what happened and she struggles to unstitch her sense of desire and connection with him from the violence he perpetrated. And she couldn't say no, no wasn't in her vocabulary. It all happened too fast and no one ever prepared her for this scenario. No one teaches you what do you when your good looking, kind, youth pastor does something shocking and provocative in the wake of having groomed your trust and love.
Additionally, in the church we have curated a heterosexual narrative, which has minimized the reality of how many boys have been harmed by men, sexually abused by their youth leaders. And because of the disdain and judgment the church has for homosexuality there is an added weight of shame for ever coming forward with a story of harm from a same sex youth leader. This applies to women as well, it is far less often, but women can be abusers also and it is impossibly hard for their victims to find words to speak the truth.
The church has fostered a culture that amplifies how difficult it is to tell the truth. The very place that should be safe is perhaps the most unsafe.
What it actually takes for a child, or teen or adult years later, to tell the truth is monumental. They have to face down their fear of what will happen once they tell. Families will be impacted, friends will be shocked, beloved leaders may lose their jobs. It is terrifying, and that terror is increased by the fear of feeling responsible for all that may be ruined. Placing the blame on the "beloved" leader is acutely uncomfortable for everyone, and so in nuanced or obvious ways the blame is left partially on the victim.
When a story of abuse is told poor decisions are often made because the truth is uncomfortable and leadership isn't prepared to handle things well. My plea to the church is to face the uncomfortable truth of abuse, and in particular sexual abuse.
We must start by being honest. We must get more training and understanding for all pastors on the nature of abuse and the basics of understanding its dynamics. We need to have practices in place for when someone comes forward with their story of abuse. Practices that are protective for everyone involved. I am not saying protecting abusers from consequences, I am saying abusers deserve to be engaged with strength and kindness that honors their dignity as image bearers of God and supports them as they fully face those consequences. And victims deserve to be heard and believed and have their stories addressed appropriately, including reporting the abuse to the authorities. (which is mandatory for all churches, but often disregarded)
Secrecy and word smithing are not helpful. Confidentiality and accountability with appropriate communication to the church body is needed. Bringing in a third party to assist is wise and advisable. "Handling" things in house is nearly impossible because emotions run too high and relationships are often too close between church leadership and the abuser.
The church can do this, it can get better. We can play a part by stepping up and asking our church what their policies and practices are, and by encouraging them to implement training and continuing education for their Pastoral staff on safe practices and how to provide good care for all victims of abuse.